Walker Monroe's Birth Story

Ok, finally here it is! I’m just going to jump right in…

This was a crazy, awesome, lovely birth! I feel privileged to have had the experience. This labor was my first real personal experience with some of the doula techniques I have been using over this past summer with my doula clients and I must say, WOW! What we do helps so much! Haha! I am so blessed to have had my two wonderful “doula-mates”, Heather and Nancy, with me through this journey, and of course, very, very blessed to have had Matt alongside me, supporting me, as well.

November 6 was my actual due date. But October 31 was the projected due date from the ultrasound at 7 weeks. (We only had the one this time.) So, naturally, after Halloween, I kept wondering when labor was going to begin. I wasn’t anxious to not be pregnant; I just wondered when labor was going to sneak up on me. Do you know what I mean? It’s kind of like looking out the window a thousand times waiting to see your love come up the driveway. And nesting was in full swing. I mean I have never before prepared for a houseguest like I prepared for this baby! I think the reason for that is I knew how much I was not going to get accomplished after his arrival, because I would be too busy loving on my sweet ones and trying to rest. So Friday morning, I kind of thought I would go into labor. It was my grandmother’s birthday, and I thought it would be nice to have the baby then. (I keep saying “the baby” because we didn’t know the gender.) I didn’t. Well, actually, I did have a sign that labor was close, but not much contraction action. So Friday night, Matt was off work, so I used that time, as I had the entire month of October it seemed, to clean. I did not realize how disgusting my cabinets and walls were until that night. J I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned, including the kids’ bathroom. I got in bed around 10:30 and I immediately heard a huge thump that shook the house, which meant Jack had fallen out of bed. So I go and put him back in bed and realized he was soaking wet. So I took off his diaper (he is potty trained, just sometimes needs a diaper for night,) and changed him and tucked him back in. He didn’t even wake up. I took the diaper insert to the freshly cleaned bathroom and proceeded to dump the inside of the diaper in the potty. It’s made to flush down and then the other part is biodegradable, blah, blah, blah, anyway… I flushed the toilet with all that diaper stuff in it and of course, OF COURSE, it overflows. Gets everywhere. All those little gel diaper particles all over my clean floor, along with about an inch of water. Why am I telling you this, you ask? Well, number one, it’s my blog and I want to remember as many details as possible.  Also, I think the clean up of that huge mess possibly aided the labor to begin.

Saturday morning, I wake up with yet again, the sign that labor is near. I begin to clean up the rest of the mess in the bathroom. We thought the little gel pieces might be easier to remove if they dried a little bit. I notice contractions were definitely there, nothing painful, just there. I call Matt at work and tell him he might need to have a back-up plan for his shift on Sunday and possibly Monday. I didn’t know for sure that I was in labor. I just had that feeling. I told Matt I wasn’t sure if we would have a baby that night or the next day or even the next day, just that he should probably be prepared to not be at work. I texted my doulas just to give them a heads up and then I went on about the day. I think we went to Chick-fil-a probably. Ha!

That afternoon, Matt was off already, and the kids needed to get outside and play, so we met my doulas at Hamilton park, near our house with Heather’s little girl, (because Audrey and Jack love to play with her!) Nancy and Heather massaged my shoulders and neck and during the contractions some comfort measures, while I sat on my big yoga ball. My hips were not great at the end of the pregnancy, so I knew sitting on the ground or a hard bench would not be good. It was really fun being outside with everyone! The weather was beautiful, nice and sunny and bright! Contractions were there, but not steady. I was beginning to think baby would not be born this weekend. It was getting a little chilly, and I was getting hungry, so we left and I invited everyone to go eat at Betty’s. I had beef stew ready at home in the crock-pot, but I was craving a cheeseburger! Once we got to the restaurant and sat down, my contractions picked up and got a little more intense. Again, nothing really painful, but just noticeable and to where I wanted to breathe a little during them.

After dinner, Heather took her baby girl home, and Nancy came with me to the house. Matt and I bathed Audrey and Jack and put them to bed around 8:00. Nancy and Matt and I watched a movie after that because I wanted to get some oxytocin flowing by laughing. I thought maybe if I got to laughing pretty hard that maybe my water would just BREAK all of a sudden. See, I never had a spontaneous ROM, and I was actually kind of nervous about it. I don’t know why. I also figured once my water broke it would be game on, baby time. I was right about that, but I’ll get to that part. We watched The Family Stone. It is one of my favorite movies, but I didn’t laugh much. So, I watched the Office episode where Pam is in labor and has her baby. Oh, and by this time Heather had arrived with Matt’s Sbux drink. It was a full on labor party! I was loving it! Contractions were sporadic, so I thought I would get out the clary sage. I read in my essential oils book that it helps bring on contractions and also helps relieve pain and, for some, creates a mild euphoria. Well, that’s a no-brainer; I’m doing it! It really did help my contractions to become more regular. Heather and Nancy massaged my hand, feet, neck and shoulders, and would do hip squeezes. I had never felt that during labor and it shocked me how well they worked and took away the pain! (What doulas do really does work! Hahahaha!) After the episodes, I think Nancy suggested Matt start playing his guitar. So Matt started playing some worship songs, and I sang and so did Nancy and Heather. Well, this must have been a little loud, because Audrey woke up and came in and sang with us, too. This was about 10:00. She looked through my doula book and kept asking me to show her in the book what we were doing right that moment. That was pretty cute. Also, singing worship songs was wonderful, especially since I was surrounded with so much love and support and fellow believers. Then, maybe Nancy had reminded me that I had wanted to take a bath, so we drew up the largest tub of water that I have ever had for a bath, ha, so that I could be completely covered with the warm water. It was so relaxing. Heather had a tissue with clary sage on it and kept it in front of me so that contractions and pain relief would continue. I’m not sure at this point how far apart they were, maybe 3-6 minutes or so. It wasn’t that important, really. I knew I wasn’t near the end yet. Nancy and Audrey poured water over me and Nancy would periodically go get more hot water to keep the bath warm since our hot water heater didn’t have enough to fill the tub up all the way. I think at this point we sent Matt to bed. He had been up at 3 am that morning and needed to rest.

So, I was thinking through all of this that maybe I had progressed a good bit, not to transition, but you know, to a significant amount. Well, I was at 3 cm and the baby was still pretty high, and I was not very thinned out. This kind of took the wind out of my sails. It was about 1:15 am and so Nancy suggested we all go get some sleep. I told her they could go home if they wanted, but she said, no, they would stay right there. I said they could go because I felt like maybe I wasn’t even in “real” labor. Maybe I had gotten my signals crossed and I had just taken up everyone’s whole day and we weren’t even close to having a baby. Basically, I wasn’t trusting my body and started freaking out internally. Well, I stayed up a little with Audrey and then took her to bed with me so that she would fall asleep. I slept for about three hours and dreamed about contractions. I could actually feel them in my dreams, but I was still definitely asleep. I woke up about 3:30 am (it was 3 hours because of daylight savings time ending and giving us an extra hour,) and told Matt to take Audrey to her bed because she kept poking and kicking me and I couldn’t take it. So he did and when he came back to bed I was shaking all over and couldn’t stop. I was scared. I told Matt I didn’t think I could do this, meaning natural childbirth, and that I had only been 3 cm a few hours ago and if I was already that uncomfortable, what was it going to be like during transition and pushing out a baby. I started crying and said maybe I should just go to the hospital and get an epidural. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough. Matt got me some extra blankets to warm up my muscles so I could maybe stop shaking. And then he prayed over me and hugged and kissed me and reassured me that I could do it and that it was going to be ok, whatever happened. I am so grateful for him.

I finally stopped shaking enough to get up to go to the restroom. I heard footsteps and Nancy had come in to check on me. Apparently she and Heather’s “doula-senses” started going off because they both woke up about the same time I awoke. They just knew I needed them and that it was time to continue on laboring. I go into my living room and my contractions are about 30 seconds to 2 minutes apart. I’m swaying and squatting, still able to talk through them, but they were definitely intense. Nancy told us to call someone to come over to stay with the kids and she began getting her car ready with blankets, pillows, towels, etc., to transport me to the hospital. While she was doing that, Matt called some women from our church. Leah ended up already being awake, so she began to head on over. I told everyone I felt like I was about a 6, and sure enough, I was. I was totally ok with that! So I had gone from a 3 to a 6, with Walker a lot lower than before, while sleeping for the most part in about 3 hours! Yaay! I asked Matt to start playing the guitar again so we could sing some more. Singing really helped distract me and ease some of the pain. We hadn’t called Dr. J yet, and someone suggested we go ahead and do that since he likes to be in the know about his patients. It was about 4:30am, and I felt like we had some time, so I thought I would let him sleep a while longer. J

Labor is continuing, but contractions aren’t coming as frequently as they were when I woke up. Nancy and Heather and Matt all take turns massaging my back and hands and feet and swaying with me and helping me move around. The sun is coming up. I called Dr. J and woke him up at 5:59am. I told him we would have a baby today and to get his game face on. I bet he wondered why I was so chipper. I think I also called my parents at this point, too, and told them they could head up this way whenever they were ready. Anyway, contractions are getting annoying at this point. I have cuss words going through my head. Slowly the comfort measures aren’t comforting me much anymore. At one point Matt was helping me through a contraction and whatever he had done the contraction before that had helped suddenly did not help me and he said, “Well, what do you need me to do?” I said, “I don’t think there’s anything you can do for me at this point that will help.” And then the next moment he did a hip squeeze and kind of lifted me up and I said, “Well that worked.” All the ladies said, “Awwe, how sweet!” Haha. Sorry, I just had to add that moment in here. It was cute.

 

Around 7am, the kids are waking up. They eat breakfast and they are excited that they will have a new baby soon. Audrey is massaging me and brushing my hair and Jack just wants to cuddle and run around and play. I decide to lie down in the floor and cover up and rest for a while. This is not working out well with Jack. So we decide to get him ready for church and send him on with Leah. Nancy threw out the idea of having Audrey stay with us for the birth because she has been so involved so far. We had actually already considered that and asked Audrey what she wanted, and she decided to stay with us. So, I laid on the floor for a while, maybe half an hour or 45 minutes just kind of zoning out and focusing on my contractions. I said goodbye to my tearful Jack, which about broke my heart. I had Matt call Leah a while after that and she said he stopped crying as soon as they pulled out of the neighborhood. Praise the Lord for that. I’m so glad he was ok, and that he had Leah to take care of him.

Here’s where it gets a little foggy. I know that I stood up and then every time a contraction would come I would hit my knees or squat and try to find a “comfortable” position. This lasted for a little bit. I decided to go to the bathroom, which is always a good idea during labor to basically help your body relax and continue contractions effectively and basically clear the path and make more room for the baby to descend. I came back to the living room, and was laboring by the arm of our couch. I saw my parents pull up and considered having Matt tell them to just go drive around. I know my dad doesn’t do well watching me in pain. Well, Matt didn’t really understand what I was saying and they came inside. It was slightly awkward. Matt began making some coffee with my dad because dad was trying to stay out of the way. Suddenly, I felt something happen, maybe it was Walker dropping, I’m not sure, but it was time to go. I said, “Someone call Dr. J, it’s time to go to the hospital.” Well this sent everyone into action. Nancy and Heather were rushing around grabbing all of our stuff and situating Audrey. Matt was laboring with me here and there. I think it took about 10 minutes before everyone was ready to leave.

By this point, I was really unable to move. I walked about 10 feet and hit my knees and held onto a dining room chair and screamed through a huge contraction. Everyone around me was telling me to “Come on, let’s get in the car!”  “We have to go!” I’m thinking, “Do you not think I know that??” I was so mad that I had to move from that point, though. My entire body was telling me to stay put and birth my baby! I almost told my dad he better get out of the room because I was about to have the baby right there. I really didn’t think I could get up. But as the contraction passed, I started to stand up and Matt and Heather were on either side of me as I walked hunched over outside to the car. We made it to the carport and my water broke. (Yaay! It broke outside! Don’t know why I cared about that.) Here’s where I had my first real urge to push. They took me to the car and helped me into the back of Nancy’s hatchback. I was on my knees holding onto the passenger seat headrest. (I totally recommend this position for labor! J It was pretty comfortable.) Nancy was in the back with me, Matt drove. Heather drove her car and took Audrey with her.

I figured I would have a little time once I started having the urge to push. After all, it took me 3 hours with Audrey and 4 hours with Jack after I had the first urge with him. I wanted to be pushing by the time I got to the hospital. But as we exit the driveway, I’m thinking this is not going to be long. I don’t know exactly, but Matt said we made two turns out of the driveway and he heard me say, “I’m crowning!” Nancy said, “No, you’re not crowning…Yes, you’re crowing.” I don’t think she could see at first because I still had my leggings on and the baby was still coming down. I pushed maybe 2 more times and there was Walker! Nancy said, “Look at the time! See what time it is!” So Walker was born at 9:24 am right in front of 1^st Presbyterian, about 4-5 minutes after the first urge to push! We were about halfway to the hospital at this point. Matt called Dr. J, whom had just been talking to Heather. Matt said he said, “You just had the baby in the car, didn’t you?” Haha! Evidently, Heather had already filled him in on what she was seeing from her car behind us, (which was my behind!) It got quiet at this point because Nancy was wiping him off and getting him all clean and stimulated to cry. I asked her if it was a boy or girl, and she said she hadn’t seen yet and that I would be the one to announce it. I looked down and Nancy turned him slightly and I said, “It’s a boy!” I think after that I said, “I just had a baby in a car!”

People keep saying I just waited a little too long to leave. Actually, no, I don’t feel I did. I feel like God totally organized that to happen perfectly. I really wanted to have a homebirth. It didn’t work out for that to happen this time, for many reasons, one main one being Alabama’s law about not allowing midwives to attend homebirths. (Please check out http://www.alabamabirthcoalition.org/ to see why it is important to change this law.) So I got pretty close to having the birth I wanted. It was wonderful to be able to labor all at home, not have to lie in the thin foam bed and be hooked up to the monitors for 20 minutes upon arrival and every 15 minutes or so after that monitored with the Doppler and the blood pressure machine, as is standard, have my blood drawn during labor, etc. I understand the necessity for these things, I suppose, and a midwife would have monitored me during labor as well, but I’m just saying it was great to not have to do those things. I am so thankful for our health and safety!

We pulled up in the hospital parking lot and Dr. J met us outside. We were all giddy and so happy! Dr. J picked Walker and me up and put us into the wheelchair to take us inside. It was cold that day, but I could not feel it. I was on such a high. It was a beautiful day, an awesome labor, and an awesome delivery. I am so thankful to my doulas, Nancy, Heather, (and Audrey!), and to Matt for supporting me and surrounding me with love. I am thankful to Leah for helping us out with the kids, and all the ladies from our church, really, for their servants’ hearts. I am thankful for Dr. J for being the best OB I could ask for, and his sweet family, and all the sacrifices they make for the community. I am thankful for Walker, thankful to my Jesus for once again blessing our family with this beautiful child, and for walking with me through the labor and birth.

Thanks for reading my birth story. Sorry it was a book!

Second Birth Story - Jack Dalton

This birth story is tremendously different than Audrey's so if you read hers, then I hope you read this one. After writing Audrey's, I realized what a difference there was in the general feeling of the birth (not the BABIES, mind you, because I love them both the same.) I'll probably write a different post about that, though.

**WARNING- It's a birth story. It might get a little graphic. I mean, hey, it's birth. So, you can stop reading now if you're chicken! :) J/K but you will know me a lot better after this!**

I wanted a natural birth. And with this pregnancy being so close to my previous pregnancy, I was determined to use the knowledge I had gained from the first experience to make this next labor more of what I wanted. I was mostly determined that I WOULD NOT be induced, (haha, the thought did cross my mind whilst anxiously awaiting Jack's arrival.) I also decided that I would try to have a water birth. My friend Sheena told me very early in my pregnancy (thank goodness we went to that Derek Webb show) that the hospital I was at had started providing tubs for water births. I really think that this help keep me on the right track, motivating me even more to have a natural birth.

Leading up to my due date, I had noticed an increased amount of more intense Braxton-Hicks contractions. At first they were only coming more frequently, but then they also became a little more uncomfortable over time. About 3 weeks before my due date, the contractions became very regular. About 8 minutes apart for about an hour or 2. Nothing came of that, and actually I didn't even make any "progress" when I was checked at the doctor that week. I was still about 1 1/2 cm dilated/60% effaced/-3 station. Keep in mind, these are estimates, and they were actually very encouraging. My body was beginning the work of labor. The next week I was 2cm/65%/-3, all the while, I was still having these regular periods of contractions. They weren't too uncomfortable, unless I was sitting down, like in church. I had the hardest early labor contractions in church! Johnny agreed that this must mean he's going to be a preacher, haha.

So considering all this "progress" I was making, my last week before my due date was a bit excruciating, waiting and wondering and trying to plan out who was going to keep Audrey in case we had to go in the middle of the night. I know I shouldn't have let it get to me, but when people are asking you how much longer you have and "when are you going to pop" and things of the like, even 3 or 4 months or so before you're due, it kind of wears on you. (That's why I've decided to tell everyone my due date is actually my 42 week point if i get pregnant again. That way if i'm "late" it won't really feel that bad. Also, your "due date" is just an estimation. Sometimes babies need more time in there. I know this now.) So I decided to let the doctor strip the membranes again to get things going. I'm not completely opposed to this. I do think it's a good option when you're really actually "late" and you would like to induce naturally. I wasn't "late" though, even by the estimated due date, so if I could go back and change this decision, I would. It's so hard to be patient and let the baby come when it's good and ready, especially when "everyone" you're talking to is wondering why you're not being induced or having a C-section because the baby's going to be so big. I'm not saying if that was your circumstance that you were wrong, I'm just saying that was definitely NOT what I wanted. (This is also another good reason to have a doula that will encourage you through the waiting process. Matt could only say so much, he wanted that baby here too! He did encourage me to wait, though.) Also, I was having incredible back pain. That made it really hard to get everything done around the house, or walk around much to help induce. Anyway, so after the doctor visit, I was definitely having some regular contractions 1min- 1 min 30 sec contractions about every 5-8 minutes. I called my friend, Stephanie, to come over and stay with us that night, just in case we needed to go to the hospital. Well, they kind of petered out around midnight or so. That was Wednesday. The next 5 days were so frustrating. I got red raspberry leaf tea, I ate pineapple, hot stuff (not too much because my heartburn was so painful,) eggplant parmesan, I walked as much as possible, and even went so far as to by Black & Blue Cohosh, which I did not take. That stuff is straight alcohol! I was not that desperate yet, haha.

The weekend came and it was supposed to be very stormy on Saturday, so Mom and Dad came up to stay with us, just in case we needed to go to the hospital, and it was too stormy for them to come up. (If you know my parents, you probably laughed right then.) On Sunday morning, I woke up to some significant bloody show. I was so happy. I went almost skipping through the house saying, "I'm in labor, I'm in labor." I just knew that this was the start of the actual thing. We decided that Mom and Dad would take Audrey for the day down to Tuscaloosa and we would have some time to ourselves to labor/relax/get ready, whatever. Matt and I went on to church that morning, and like most Sundays, I had the most intense contractions up to that point during the sermon. After church, (this is when we were still in the Melheim Building) we strolled to Za Za's with our friends Ryan and Ashley, and I ate a good light lunch. It was the most wonderful smoked salmon bagel I've ever had. I want one now... Yeah, so then we went to our friends Jarrod and Stacy's son's 1st Birthday party. (Thankfully Allison took some pictures of me that day, because that was my last day to be pregnant! I'll post one of the pictures that she took.) But my contractions were not getting steadier. They were getting more painful, but they'd go through spells of consistent contractions, then nothing, and on and on and ON. Little did I know at the time, I was having prodromal labor. Which now that I know, I think it's kind of cool. It kind of helps you not notice the beginning parts of labor, that way you can go on with your normal activities thinking that these contractions are really no different than the ones you've had for months so maybe won't get too mentally tired trying to time contractions and wondering if you're really in labor, when all the while, you might actually be dilating without even knowing it! (I guess we'll see if I feel this way about it the next time I get pregnant!) I was getting discouraged with the fact that these contractions weren't really steady enough for me to call the doctor. Mom and Dad brought Audrey back to the house and I convinced them to stay here one more night because I was going to get up and go to the doctor tomorrow to see what was actually going on. I was driving myself crazy wondering "Is this labor?"

Monday morning, I woke up again with more bloody show. The excitement returned. I called my doctor and they "worked me in" a few hours earlier than my original appointment. So I got ready as fast as I could, and Matt and I went to the Dr's office. I left all my hospital bags at the house because I didn't want to jump the gun. (I have a habit of doing that, if you can't tell.) So while driving to the office, the contractions I was having were ok. Uncomfortable, but ok. Then as we were walking the long walk to the office, I definitely remember having to stop in the breezeway during a contraction. Not really because it was painful as much as it felt like things were very heavy between my legs.

We had to wait about 2 hours once we got to the office. Apparently, it was Birth Day :) because Dr. R was down in L&D. When he got to our room, he checked me and with the funniest look on his face said, "Seriously, Carla, you're like 7-8 cm. Ok. We're going to check you into the hospital now, if that's ok with you..." hahaha! FINALLY! I was actually in labor. You don't know what a feeling it was to know that I was actually in labor, not synthetically induced labor, but labor that my body actually started! It was awesome. So Matt and I made our way down to L&D, checked in, and then Matt headed back to the house to pick up our stuff.

Thankfully, because I had planned on having a water birth, I was assigned one of the "natural nurses". The hospital where I go does actually have a team of nurses who request to be on natural birth cases. This makes it SO much easier to have the birth experience you want. My nurse was awesome! She even stayed with me after her shift because she wanted to be there when the baby was born. (That meant a lot to me.) Also, this time I had a written and signed by my doctor, so that made it easier to remember what I actually wanted and didn't want. The nurse asked me a few questions and put in my hep-lock and sent me to walk around the hospital to try to progress labor a little more. Haha, that was fun. You always see on tv those women in gowns walking around the hospital having contractions. That was me! Actually, I wasn't really having many contractions. I think I was too excited to really progress much.

After about an hour, Matt came back and my doctor did too. Dr. R checked me and I was still about 8 cm. He asked if I wanted him to break my water because the bag of waters was bulging, sorry for the graphic description, but he said it was probably the only thing holding the baby back. (Now, if I could do it over again, I would have made a different decision here because of how quickly I felt the need to push after he broke my water. So if I had just let it happen on its own, maybe I wouldn't have had so many painful contractions and the urge to push would've hopefully not come til I was completely dilated.) I agreed to let him go ahead and break my water, which was not painful this time, btw. We decided that I would get up and use the restroom, then continue to walk the halls to progress my labor. Well, I hardly even made it to the bathroom before I was doubled over in pain. I called Matt in to help me and I said, "OK, I need to get in the tub, I need to push!"

Now we're getting to the good part, right?!?

That's what I thought, too. It's a little before 3, I think when I get into the tub. I immediately feel the urge to push. So, of course I do. I am getting into the zone! It's an awesome feeling, really. I was listening to my body, doing my relaxation breathing, relaxing through the contractions, not fighting them. The labor mix I made was playing, mostly worship songs, so it was really nice to dwell on those words during labor. I pushed when my body needed to push and I rested when I needed to. I even dozed a couple times in between contractions. Matt was sitting in front of me giving me words of encouragement. He did really great. He was an awesome coach.

The contractions were coming about every 2 minutes right now, I suppose. I really don't know because I wasn't focused on the time. But the contractions, or maybe just my nerves, combined with the heat of the water were making me a little nauseous, so Matt and the nurses got me some ice and some water and a small fan. Matt was shoveling ice onto me like every 5 seconds. Next time, we'll know to bring a cooler! But the warm water was doing it's job, too. I think it really kept my muscles relaxed. I was on my knees in the water swaying back and forth trying to bring the baby down.

A little after this, Allison arrived from work. I had asked her if she wanted to be present for the birth because after I had Audrey, we talked about how we both were interested in becoming doulas. She was so awesome. She helped Matt with whatever he needed, she helped pour the water and ice, she even offered to fix my pony tail for me, which I didn't let her because I so didn't care at that point. (I should've let her though, my hair looked crazy!) She even offered to take some pictures, which I also turned down like a nut. I'm so stubborn when I'm in labor (and most other times, too.) But she secretly took some anyway, and I am so thankful she did! I will post those also.

The nurse, I suppose, checked me and they called Dr. R down. I don't really remember, all I know is that at some point he showed up again, ha, (can you tell I was in the zone?!?) I do remember him saying to the nurse though, and this was really funny, "Is this ok, what I'm wearing?" and I thought, hmmm that's odd. I wondered why he was asking the nurse what he should wear, like he's never done this before. WELL, turns out it was the first water birth that he ever attended! He totally didn't tell us this prior to the birth. Maybe he thought that he'd attend one before mine, I don't know. But it was kind of cool to be the first! Anyway, he came down and we joked about Lost and I tried to get back to moving that baby down.

So we were all sitting around, waiting for this baby to be born, well, everyone else was, and I started to feel the pressure to make some progress. There were a lot of people in that room, Matt, Allison, the nurses, nursing students (which I did not mind that they were there, I thought it was kind of neat for them to be learning "off " me) and it had been about an hour and a half of me pushing. I knew that Dr. R. had other patients up in his office, poor pregnant women waiting to get out of the office so they could eat (at least that's always what I did after my appointments) so I asked Dr. R if he needed to go back up to his office. I know this is a funny thing for me to be thinking about, but I'm silly like that. I really started to wonder at this point if I was going to be able to do this.

I began to sway a little more trying to progress. I asked the nurses how I was doing and how the baby was doing because I had no idea. They told me I was doing great and encouraged me to keep going. They said they couldn't even tell when I was really having contractions except by looking at the monitor (they always seemed to check me with the monitor during a contraction, ha. They kept apologizing for that, but again, I was in the zone, so I didn't mind so much)... they probably say that to everyone. :) I probably should've gotten up out of the water and walked around or something, but I was afraid. I knew what it felt like when I was standing up and I did not want to feel that again. Fear of pain. It was hindering my labor. I started thinking about Audrey and how they had to use forceps and how her shoulders were stuck. I thought, "What have I gotten myself into? I'm not going to be able to get this baby out and because I don't have pain medication, I'm not going to be able to take it and I'm going to have to have a C-section." Self-doubt. This was hindering my labor. I began relying on myself and forgetting to ask God to help me through this. Hinder hinder hinder. I knew that I needed to voice my fear to Matt and ask him to intercede for me in prayer, but I didn't want to say my specific fear out loud, because I didn't want to speak it into being and dwell on it. So I just asked Matt to pray hard that God would take away my fear. Now, I'm sure this was hard for him. There was a room full of people and we were about to bust out and have some church, haha. But he did not care. He prayed and as soon as the words left his lips, I felt the baby drop down. I felt a peace come over me. I knew God was right there with us. It was an awesome, humbling feeling.

At this point, I think the nurses had a shift change, but like I said, the first nurse I had stayed around to see me to the end. (So sweet of her!) Anyway, one of them suggested that I change positions, so I was basically leaning back, squatting, and Matt was holding me up during my contractions. Poor thing, I know this was hard for him. He didn't know that he was going to have to give so much physically too. My legs were killing me, so I was really trying to stretch them out while I was in a different position. (See, I should've just stood up. So stubborn.) Now it was somewhere in the 5 o'clock hour, so I'd been pushing for almost 3 hours. Dr. R was back. I was ready for this to be over. I still was worried that I was not going to be able to do this, and I was worried about what it was going to feel like to push out a baby. Dr. R reminded me not to fight the pain, not to worry about it, but just let the baby come down. Well, I asked Matt to pray again, ha. He did and right after, I gave a big push, and there was the head! FINALLY! Dr. R told me to reach down and feel my baby. I think I said no, for some stupid reason. I did eventually, though. It was surreal. (And don't get me wrong, the head wasn't out completely, just the top of the head.)

I turned back around onto my knees because I had read that it was one of the best positions for birthing big babies, and I knew that Jack was going to be big. I went with what my body was telling me to do, again. Only push when my body needed to and SLOWLY let the baby come out. Dr. R said that he knew that this helped me to not have ANY lacerations (at least not fromt the head coming out.) He never thought that anything really helped with that but after this birth he said he was a believer.

Well, I'm not even sure how long this took but it kind of felt like forever. I asked Matt to pray one more time, and with this prayer, I again began to feel a major contraction. Then Matt said he had never heard such a noise come from me, like an Amazon woman! The nurses and Dr. R and Allison and Matt were all cheering me on, which encouraged me so much. I began to push very hard for the next few contractions. Suddenly, there he was! Out came the head. Then with the next contraction I pushed very hard, and nothing happen. Then Dr. R says, "Shoulder!" and they flipped me over like a beached whale! Once again, the nurses were kneading and pushing my stomach, trying to get the shoulders out. This was the only reason I had any laceration at all, and it wasn't even a 1st degree tear.

So after about 4 hours of pushing, at 6:42 pm, Jack Dalton was born, 10 lbs 9 oz, 23 1/4 in long! They laid him on my chest and the first thing I thought when I saw him was, "Wow, he looks so much like Audrey." He was awesome, and he looked like a one month old. So swollen and handsome, like a little old man, haha. They took him to the warming station, or whatever it is, to check him out since his shoulders were stuck. Matt made sure that I was ok, and then went to talk to his boy. As soon as Matt spoke to him, Jack began to respond. His cry was so soft at first. (And if you know him now, you know that is not the case!)

This was the hardest, but most gratifying experience of my life. I have never felt God move so... physically before. I swore right after I had Jack that I was not going to do that ever again, because, I'm not going to lie, it hurt and it was not easy. I've changed my mind since then ;)

Here are some pictures of me in labor and just a couple of my little man right after he was born.

Thanks for reading!

First Birth Story- Audrey Dylan

Ok, I've been needing to get the stories down for a while, especially Audrey's, before I forget them. You might be surprised how different they are.

**WARNING- It's a birth story. It might get a little graphic. I mean, hey, it's birth. So, you can stop reading now if you're chicken! :) J/K **

I feel like I might leave out some details, so this post might be edited several times. But here it goes:

The week before Audrey was due, I was beginning to worry about Matt's vacation time at Starbucks. He was acting manager at his store that was soon to close (during all of those shut-downs of Sbux stores) and they were being VERY difficult about not knowing when Matt would be out of the store. I began feeling pressure from corporate America to have a scheduled birth. (Shocking, I know.) They told Matt he would need to start his "vacation" on Audrey's due date. Well, that's a lot of pressure on my uterus! I had wanted to go natural, ALL-NATURAL, so I did not want to be induced. But I weighed the options and I really didn't want Matt to miss being at home with his new daughter. He only had a week, after all. I knew that every day he was off and we didn't have the baby would just be more and more stressful, and that is not what we needed. (If I had been thinking correctly, and known what I had known now, I would've told Matt to tell Starbucks that he would start his vacation at my 42 week point because my doctor would've definitely wanted me to be induced by then, and that would've given me time to go into labor on my own. And I'm pretty sure they would've just dealt with it if Matt had to be off before that. That was so dumb.)

So we scheduled Audrey to be induced on her due date, Jan. 20th. I saw the doctor the day before and he (**WARNING** hehe) swept the membranes to try to induce labor naturally. He knew I did not want to be induced with pitocin. All that day we walked and walked and ate things that were supposed to induce labor. (Honestly, we didn't do the one thing that probably would've helped out, if you know what I mean!) It was really cold that day, it even snowed. I think that I wore myself out, because I came home that night and felt horrible. I crashed on the couch. Woke up and had a fever. These are not the things you want right before the huge physical marathon you are about to encounter. Still, I got my things ready for the hospital. Matt and I prayed and prayed about our decision that night. He went to bed and I... well, I laid in bed that night, and prayed even more. When we woke up at 5 am to call Labor and Delivery to see if there was an open bed, we prayed that if this was the wrong decision, that there would not be "any room for us in the inn." Well, there was. So with almost a heavy heart, we left for the hospital. The whole ride there all I could think about was my baby girl and what she might look like and tried to wrap my brain around the fact that I was about to be a MOTHER. Heavy stuff.

So we arrive at L&D and they strip me down and stick me up. And although I had pre-registered, asked me a million questions. When the nurse put the monitor on me she said, "Oh, you're having contractions." I said, "Oh, so that's what those are. I couldn't tell if it was a Braxton-Hicks contraction, a real contraction, or just gas, haha." (And knowing what I know now, I have prodromal labor, and I had been having those contractions for months. So that doesn't mean that I was necessarily going to have the baby soon, it just means that my body does the preliminary work of labor a little stronger than normal. It's kind of cool, actually. In Jack's birth story, this will play a key part.) Anyway, I really didn't enjoy my time with this nurse. She was totally unsupportive about me wanting to go natural, even while being induced. And in my ignorance, I totally wasn't prepared for the "battle for natural" that I was going to face during the whole process. I told the nurse that Dr. Ross, my primary OB, told me that it was fine if I got up and moved around during labor even after the pitocin. Of course, I did not have this in writing and he wasn't there when this nurse wanted to put in my IV, so of course I was stuck in the bed for the rest of the day. (Things I wish I could go back and do over...) At this point, I kind of conceded to the fact that if I couldn't get up and manage my pain, I was probably going to get an epidural.

Dr. Ross comes in around 7am, I think and says that I look about the same as yesterday, so he's going to break my water to help me progress a little faster. That was not enjoyable. He told me that was the most painful internal that I would have all day. He was right. So my pitocin is up and going at this point and so was the Presidential Inauguration, btw. It took a couple of hours for the pit to really start working and for me to really start to feel the contractions. Around noon-ish I asked for them to come and check me because I was starting to get uncomfortable and I wanted to know how much progress I had made. (They promised they would not do any internals unless I asked for it so that I would not be bothered by them, which I really respected.) I knew that I was NOT going to get an epidural before 4 cm and I was sure that I was past that point. Ha, I wasn't. I was at 3 1/2cm. So close. So I sat back and thought to myself, great, we're going to be here for a while. But I was more determined than ever to take that pain head on.

By that point, Matt, my mom and my friend, Kristen, were in the room. (OH YEAH, and at some point during this time, the woman from admitting came in demanding my half of the bill, and in a rather unfriendly, I'm a repo-woman kind of way. That was super annoying. I was in LABOR and she was hounding me and my family about money. Like she needed to get it before the baby was born, because if they didn't, I could just go home.) Anyway, we had all been casually talking and watching the inauguration, but like I said before, the pain was getting more and more intense. I'm pretty sure they upped the pit around this point and put in a Foley, but I don't remember for sure. Either way, I could not take the talking anymore. I definitely needed low lights and quiet. So, trying to be as polite as possible, I asked my mom, haha, to quiet everyone down. I asked for some pain medicine because I knew the epidural was coming and I HATE needles, especially huge ones in my back that could paralyze me permanently. :) (Praise the Lord for them, but I did not want to get one.) I really need to get my hospital records so I can look at what actually happened and when and what drug they gave me at this point. It was terrible. All it did was make me feel loopy and I still felt every bit of every contraction. But possibly the one thing it did (which, I actually don't think it was the drug, because I did it without drugs when I had Jack, but to give it the drug the benefit of the doubt) was help me snooze in between contractions, which were now coming every 30 seconds-2 minutes at this point. I was in the zone, I tell ya. I was using my relaxation breathing, I was imagining my contractions moving my baby down, I was dreaming about holding her in my arms. It was cool. I'm sure everyone in the room was a little uncomfortable though because all they could do was look at the silent tv and listen to this moaning woman in the background. I finally came to a point where I could not take the pain anymore and I asked for an epidural.

I deduced later that it had been about an hour and a half since they checked me last, but at that point I had really no concept of time. So, they didn't even check me and they called the anesthesiologist in and kicked everyone else out of the room. They told Matt that I would need about 15 min after the epi for it to set in so he should take the time to go get something to eat, make some calls, etc. So the dr. came in and got set up and tried to wait for a point in between my contractions, but like I said, they were coming so fast, that it was very difficult. I think I did pretty well through all this, especially since I didn't have Matt or mom in with me to help calm me down. Right after that I don't remember who checked me, the nurse or the doctor, but I was 10 cm. Why they didn't check me before-hand, I don't know. I wouldn't have gotten the epidural if I had known I was so close to the end. (Another good reason to have a doula!) It was around 2:00ish pm and Dr. Ross told me that I could start pushing. Well, Matt wasn't back in the room yet! I tried to call him on my phone, but it was either dead or didn't have service or something, so Dr. Ross even let me use his phone. Well, after that I realized Matt's phone was still in the room, (duh, we were listening to my labor playlist on it) haha. Matt and mom finally came back and they hiked my dead legs up in the stirrups and I began "pushing." I say that because, when you're dead from the hips down, you can't tell what real pushing feels like. I don't think I got into the real pushing position until about an hour of non-productive pushing.

I'm a little cloudy on when they noticed this, but they saw a little trace of meconium in the amniotic fluid, so when I began pushing, NICU also arrived to check Audrey out after she was born. Add on to that, I still had a fever when I was admitted, so they were afraid I could pass that on to Audrey, too. So these factors, plus the fact that I was pushing and pushing and not getting anywhere, were slightly leading down the road to the big C. I had stressed the fact with Dr. Ross several times that I DID NOT want a C-section, so I feel he was in my corner on the issue. Now whether or not he gave me the best advice on how to avoid that is debatable (one unnecessary intervention leads to another and on and on,) but once we were actually in the situation where I was all numbed up and pushing, i really think he was trying to keep me out of the OR. Around 4:00 pm, we had finally made progress enough to see the head. It was down to the final round, and I was just praying and praying that God would give me strength to get this baby out of me soon!

Dr. Ross said he was going to get the forceps because her heart rate was dropping and she needed to get out. I asked him to give me just one more contraction to try to push her out. He did, but I couldn't. So, he gave me an episiotomy and got out the forceps. Audrey came out all blue and Matt said that this was one of the scariest moments of his life. I don't think he expected to see her so discolored. (I've seen A Baby Story before, so this did not surprise me.) I could slightly see the top of her head. They had talked about getting me a mirror, but I suppose since NICU was there and they were probably all expecting a C-section, they forgot and didn't offer me one. I still had the shoulders to push out, and those were not coming out successfully at all. Once again, I was praying and praying and could tell by the concern in Dr. Ross' voice that it was getting a little serious. He told me, "Ok, with this next push, I'm really going to need you to get her out. Push as hard as you can." So I did. And nothing happened. Then I see him tell the nurse, (which, incidentally, was not the nurse I didn't like, but another one that came in during shift change) something and with the next contraction I pretty much had double the staff around me and the nurse on top of my belly pushing and kneading downward. Honestly, it all didn't register what was happening, I just kept thinking, "Should she be on top of me like this, she's pregnant too!" Dr. Ross then says, "Push, Katie, PUSH!" and I thought, "Why is he calling me Katie? Doesn't he know my name after all 9 months of this?!?" haha. Luckily I didn't say anything because I realized after the fact that he was talking to my nurse, telling her to push on my belly. Audrey had shoulder dystocia.

And PRAISE THE LORD, after all of that, out came sweet Audrey Dylan, weighing a whopping 9lbs 8oz, 21 1/4 inches long at 4:08 pm. And so swollen and beautiful that I couldn't believe she was mine! And the NICU nurses checked Audrey out and she was healthy, the only complication was her elevated temperature from the temp that I had while in labor, but even that didn't turn out to last. She nursed very well and she was super alert. She took maybe three 10 minute naps the next day, all day. (Yeah, 30 minutes. All day.)

2 year Catch-up

I have so much to blog about, I don't even know where to begin. There's no way I can catch up on all of that missed time, but I will try to mention some highlights.

When I wrote my last post (before the one about coming back to blog,) I had just found out that I was pregnant with Audrey. That's what that post was about, really. And that's why I stopped blogging. We didn't have internet at our house, and I started to have morning sickness about 5 weeks in, so with that and being so tired after work, I just didn't feel like spending my nights on the internet at Starbucks anymore.

We weren't expecting to get pregnant right away, but we did. I prayed and prayed about it because just months before. Matt and I felt that I should stop the Pill. We just felt that God was in control of our family and that if He wanted us to get pregnant, or not get pregnant, He WAS in control, and we didn't need to spend the $50 a month and put all of those extra hormones in my body to try to control it ourself. Not to say that we didn't use other methods, but we still just didn't feel at peace about the Pill. (I hope that makes sense.) And I was ok with not having that 99.9% guarantee of not getting pregnant until I switched jobs. I didn't want to get pregnant and have to quit my new job as a nanny so soon. But I knew that if I truly believed that that is what God told us to do, then I needed to believe in it when it wasn't "convenient" for me.

So after being off of the pill for 4ish months, we found out I was pregnant! I was very excited. Matt was... shocked. Seriously, for days, maybe even up until like 3 months after we had Audrey. I think he still couldn't believe that he was a dad. I'll post how I found out and told him. He still gives me grief about it, haha.

Post #2 down! I'm on a roll! Ok, maybe not yet, but it's a start.

Back from the Blog Land of the Dead

Alright... I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, sure, this isn't going to last very long. There will be a couple of posts, then the blog will fall back into her own oblivion. This may be true, but I'm really going to try to keep that from happening.

I need a place to post my thoughts and happenings in my life. I need a place to sort things out so that they're not just forgotten in my poor memory. So, I pledge to you, my two followers (at this point, I'm still shocked I have those,) that I will try to keep you entertained, informed and genuinely interested in my blog. Or at least give you a post to read every now and then. :)

God's Presence

I can feel God more than ever in my life. It's so baffling to me that He spends time with me, right near me, handling my life and all my burdens. He is more than I can even imagine and He chooses to be with me, all the time. He is more to me than I could ever be to Him, but yet He still keeps giving to me so many blessings. I just want to praise Him for that and thank Him ("publically.")

I wish I had more time to write. I'll get back to ya soon.

Bred for Mediocrity

I think my parents raised me to be an average person, average in everything. Seriously. Maybe a lot of parents are like this, but I just remember my trying to break out of the mold and then being shoved, hard, right back in. I don't resent them for this. They are loving, Christian parents, and they tried to give me more than they ever had. But I think differences bothered them. And I don't think they saw the line between creative expression and "conforming to the world" or even sinfulness. Seriously, did any of you feel this way growing up? Maybe I'm using my parents' flaws to excuse a personality flaw of my own.

Whatever the case may be, I still feel like I was in my shell for about 21 years, and I am finally branching out. It causes me to test some boundaries that when I look back on them I think, "wow, shouldn't I should know better?" I think my growth as a person is a little stunted sometimes. I'll write more later on this because my brain is slow right now. I'm tired from nannying :) (I love that I'm tired from nannying. And I love that I've created the word, "nannying.") (Side note, if the thing in quotations is not a direct quote, should the punctuation mark still be in the quotations???)

THREE HOURS!

So, I finally put up some info on my profile. I didn't for a long time because I had a myspace and facebook, and it just seemed redundant. So, if you want, you can read some of that. I didn't write about me because for some reason, it seems creepier to write it on here, even though all my blogs are...yes, about me. You don't have to be my friend to view this. Not that I get a lot of "stalkers" nowadays, but...you never know! ha. That blog counter DOES keep going up.

I'm ready to go home! I'm at my old job, just filling in for a 3-hour Saturday. I figured it was the last time I would be able to make a quick buck on a Saturday morning, so why not do it? I have to say though, this is painful. It's half-way through, and wow, I'm hungry and I want to GOOOO!

So, I've spent most of the morning trying to find the name of a book I used to read as a child and loved. I wanted to give it as a birthday gift to one of the children I nanny now. I couldn't remember the title or author. All I could remember is what it was about and the little characters in the book. I have to give props to the google. I found it. Richard Scarry, "Cars, Trucks, and Things that Go." I used to love the illustrations, and I remember the story wasn't too emotional, like that Corduroy book! (I loved Corduroy, but it made me sad.) I used to have "My Golden Book of Manners" book illustrated by Scarry. My mom bought it for me, and it taught me so much. Matt still wonders how I know that it's not good manners to slurp your soup in public.

Speaking of nannying things, I have learned SO much already, in just the first 3 days. Mostly I've learned that I have a lot to learn. ha. I love my job, love love love. It's so awesome to have the opportunity to be involved with raising a child. And the two that I keep are so sweet. I love it when they say "Cah-la" and when they get big smiles and laugh at me. And I can't wait til all these things happen more frequently! The transition from mommy, to babysitters, to me has been hard for them. I hope that soon, things will settle down and become more routine for them to see me. I want to do the best for them at everything. I want to inspire them, challenge them, educate them, comfort them, love them. THIS, and only this, makes me want to go back to school. I want to be the best at my job!

I just praise the Lord for giving me this life. I don't deserve all of His blessings. It's everything that I've wanted up to this point. And I have a while for the rest of it...(Matt, that means kids, don't worry.)

"God carries in His heart the fullfillment to all the desires that He has placed in yours." - George McDonald, paraphrased from Psalm 37:4

Blondie In the Flesh!

So I dyed my hair. It's crazy I know!! But I've never been blonde before so I wanted to do it while my hair was short. I can't believe it's my hair. That's why I chose that song as my title. (I'm sure if I didn't mention the Blondie reference, no one would notice it.) It has taken some time to actually get used to it...well really, I'm still not used to it. I mean, it's SO different.

Anyway. So with my new look is a new me. I have noticed that I'm starting to be a little more honest with people. Maybe my dark hair was keeping me subtle and non-confrontational. But I've suddenly had this burst of bluntness. I want to be someone people know as an honest, trustworthy person. I want to be that person that if someone wants an honest answer, they come to me. With that said, I do want to develop some tact. I want to be able to give the answer/opinions/thoughts in a gentle, considerate manner. And if I start being honest with others, I have to be honest with myself and expect people to confront me with the truth too. That's a scary place sometimes. I mean, you don't always know what people think of you. You just kind of hope for the best.

So, feel free to leave some honest comments about my hair :) But maybe wait a couple of days after you see the picture, let it soak in. I had to. ha.

OH OH OH, also a new OFFICE on Thursday!!! I'm so excited. But I'll try to not over-expect...

AND, my new job starts in 2 days! Please keep praying for me and Matt.

It Comes in Waves

Everything has happened all at once. ha.

There has been so much going on in my life in the past month. It has been crazy. I have learned a lot and I am still going through some things now that are hard to deal with. People have tried to bring doubt to my decisions, but I have faith they're the right ones. One of them was a job decision that I've been putting off for a while, hoping things would get better. And I've had to step out on faith that I was following God's will. I usually go with my gut, but I've had really no "feeling" and I just had to trust that God hears my prayers and is guiding me. I saw some things happen at work that I thought were ethically skewed, and no one was speaking up about it. I just couldn't let it rest. I feel like I can actually make a difference and I don't want to just let it lie because I don't want to "stir up anything", or because people might turn it around on me. Shouldn't I still stand up for what I believe in, even in the face of adversity, or even if people will try to twist my story and make me look bad? I want to make a stand for what is right, and I feel that stand means leaving. (They don't really notice or appreciate you until you turn in your notice, as I have seen this week.) And I don't want my leaving to go unnoticed or without meaning.

Also, I've been physically drained lately. I've had TMJ problems (which besides some popping in my jaw, has never really affected me until now,) and allergy/sinus/cold stuff that has just made me not want to talk to anyone after I get off work. (Poor Matt.) Needless to say, I'm ready for things to slow down again. Apparently, I'm not that great with change. (I totally cried when Matt moved in my apartment because he was "changing things too much", and also when we moved into our house because things were "too small, and different than my apartment." Silliness, I know, but I just was dealing with a lot, and that's how it came out! ha.)

I knew all of this was coming. Well, not all of this, but I knew that God was about to test me. I came back from that week that I wrote about in the last blog, and I was so thankful for where God had me in life. I realized I had been taking my life for granted and I wanted to be more positive and grateful. And as I was thinking about all of this, God brought it to my mind, "Would you be this happy if things weren't as good as they are now? If things got harder for you, would you still be thankful?" And right then, I knew. And also, I happened to read Job, which hello, is a book about adversity. :) Luckily, I have not had to face anything that drastic. And I will say that during all of the craziness, I'm sure I wasn't as thankful as I should be, but I did always know that God was right there beside me. I knew He was in control. That's a good feeling. Praise be to Him!

Anyway, if you read this, please keep me and Matt in your prayers. We need it! And also, know that I'm thankful for you.

Do Unto Others...(I know, right?? haha)

Luke 6:27-36 -Love your Enemies
27"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. 30Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31Do to others as you would have them do to you.
32"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. 33And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. 34And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. 35But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

These verses really just stopped me today. I've been dealing with how my attitude should be toward a person that just has blatent disregard for my feelings or anyone else's really. I had to spend a lot of time with this person this past week and it just slapped me in the face how I thought that this person was my friend, when really that has obviously NEVER been the case. I don't want to be a doormat. But I do want to be meek and loving. And to be honest, I have not reacted that way (at least in my mind and talking to others I haven't.) I realize there is a time for anger, and I feel like my anger was just. I mean, I wasn't the only one that was being affected, or afflicted, by this person. But now, that time has passed. I want to be different. I want to actually serve MY Lord. I want His opinion to be the most important and I want to please Him with my actions and reactions. I realize that even some of my close Christian friends/family would tell me to write the relationship off, that it's not worth my time and it's just going to bring me heartache and drama. (I hate that kind of drama, you know.) But I really think that I should just step it up. Not seek approval from this person for my own benefit, which is what I think the other people in their life are doing, but to actually invest in them because Jesus loves them and commands me to. Just like it says above, even sinners love their own friends, so what kinds of witness is that? I mean, that's not really challenging. Loving your enemies takes His grace and His love in our hearts. I realize as I write this that it is going to be really hard for me to step out of my comfort zone. I don't really want to ever talk to this person again. And I might have to say some things that will definitely not make me a popular person in their eyes, and I will probably get talked about behind my back, and be made to look like a hypocrite. Or I might just have to be there for this person and just shower them with love in the name of Christ.

Wow, this is difficult. I really need your prayers to do the right thing. I know myself. And I'll talk about this and then I'll just "do nothing." Just let it blow right past me and then no harm will come, but no good will either. Opinions on this would be appreciated. Thanks for listening (reading :)

Personality Tests

If you're interested in this type of thing, I added my personality link on the side here, so you can find out more about me and also, you can go and take this test yourself. Please share with me what your results were, if you want. I LOVE this type of thing. (And Eleanor, if you're reading, I know we actually did this at the office, so I know you'll like it.)

Just a Word

Just giving you an update. And something to read. I really don't have something profound that has struck me lately. So I'll just tell you a lot of things I've been thinking about.

First off, Matt and I are praying about being involved in a new church plant. It's not something I've ever really thought of doing. I suppose I always imagined finding a church and going to it and serving in it...done. But the minister from our wedding and some others that we know have been researching and praying and really feel led to begin a new church. Not that they, or I, have anything against already established churches, but some of the research they have found shows that more people are reached through developing churches. I don't really know why. We talked about it Sunday, and maybe it's because churches sometimes lose their fire for reaching those that need Jesus, or reaching out to the poor in the community, or being commited to diversity within the body of the church. But I don't think all churches are like that, or else I wouldn't want to plant a new one and just become what "old" churches are now. But maybe some just get bogged down with everyday life issues, like budget or even soemthing more innocent, like just ministering to their own congregation. And there is a time and a place for everything, but we also have to keep in the back of our mind that our greatest concern should be loving others around us and continuing to reach out to spread the gospel.

These verses scare me:

Matthew 24 : 9-13 :
9"Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. 10At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, 11and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. 12Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, 13but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.

I don't want to be cold in my love. I don't want to turn away from my faith, or even cause another to turn away. I really feel like I need to be stronger if I am to face these things, or to even prepare my family to face these things. I don't know when the end will be, but I also don't want to just live like I will never see the end.

And secondly...I have to go to Lakeshore to work, so I gotta go!

GO VOTE!!! WOO HOO!

In death, there shall be life in Him

I know no one really reads my blog. :) So maybe I really just post for my own benefit. I like to get my feelings out. But if someone does read this, I just want it to remind you to pray for the Burgess family. Remind you how short life is. Remind you that we are not only earthly beings, we are spiritual creatures, created by God. And in God's sovereignty, He has a bigger plan for us that we may not understand. His grace is sufficient and it's just amazing how He cradles His children in the midst of their pain. I don't even realize just how present He is in my life sometimes. I take His grace for granted. But I know I would never be able to make it without Him. If you are reading this and you want to experience God personally, you want to know what people are talking about when they talk about their Savior and how He took them from a life of darkness and sin, you can know. These aren't just cliches that people use for crutches to make hard times easier or as an excuse for their wrongdoings. God is real and Jesus Christ, His Son, is the only way. He is Truth and He is Love. Please listen to the calling that is in your heart. God wants you as His child. He wants to share His kingdom with you. Accept Him, let go of your sin, and you will know all of these things are real and you will see them in your life.

Again, remember to pray for Rick and Sheri Burgess and their 4 children, as they're dealing with the loss of their 2 year old son.

BoNnArOo!!!

Can I just say that if LED ZEPPELIN is stinkin coming to this festival that is so close to my sweet Alabama home, I am THERE BABY!!!

Bobby P,
If you're reading this, please, please, Please consider adding another US spot to your tour. It would mean a great deal to your fans here in Yank-ville.
Thank you.

Sincerely,
~C

Everything is Upside Down

Everything is so confusing right now. I don't know exactly where I'm supposed to be, and how I'm supposed to act. I think God's trying to teach me humilty or something. Trying to teach me that it's not always right to be right. This is hard for me to deal with. I have always tried to defend others, strive for clarity, strive for others to understand each other and understand me. Apparently, this is impossible sometimes. And the fact that I know someone is wrong and doesn't care bothers me so much, but it seems like I'm just supposed to let it go and not try to do anything about it. I mean, I know that you can go to people (in love) and talk about sin that you see them living in. But some things are in that gray area. You try to get someone to see your point, but they're so far to their side, they can't grasp yours. Or it's so gray that neither point seems really right.

I know I'm probably going around in circles. It feels like my head is, right now. And maybe as I'm writing this, some of you are thinking, "well, duh." And maybe it's just an easy lesson I should've learned a long time ago. I need prayer. And if any of you would like to share anything about this with me, PLEASE, feel free. Although, I can't say that it won't make my head spin even more.

I don't want to force my opinions. I don't want to be an agressive, domineering, dramatic girl that nags people, attacks people, and argues all the time with others. And I don't want to be stuck in a personal rut, and not be reactive to God's moving. And I definitely don't want to make God have to tell me over and over until something much more severe has to happen to get my attention. I am thankful that God is showing me some discipline, because that means He hasn't given up on me in my "lukewarm-ness"! :)

I think God's trying to teach me love.

Hmmm...
~C

Christmas This Year

So, I'm not one to complain about Christmas (except the commercialism,) but this year, Christmas was just not the same. You would think that since this is mine and Matt's first married Christmas that it would be a fun, exciting time. But Matt and I agree, that this one was hard.

We didnt really get anything officially for each other. It was a mutual agreement. We both knew how much was in the bank, and we both thought we didnt really need to spend any money. But it kinda made it less exciting since we really didnt get to see the surprise on each other's faces when we opened our gifts. All of that though I think would've subsided if we would've had some set traditions in place that we could've been looking forward to during the month of December. Matt and I have tried to put some in place, but this year they weren't anticipated. Matt even said that if we had kids, Christmas would be a lot more meaningful because we could pass on our traditions to them, and share things WITH them that aren't new to Matt and me anymore.

But even though there was not much exciting that happened, we still had to stop on Christmas night and realize that we had done everything to feel Christmas-y but the most important. And I think that we put the best tradition in place. We read Luke 2 aloud. I'm really excited to pass that one along to our future generation :)

Merry Christmas everyone. Even 2 days after the fact.
I love you, Matt.

Happy Post

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

I hope everyone enjoys this wonderful holiday and is able to embrace

the goodness that this holiday was created for.

I hope you all know that I am very thankful to have you in my life.

You're all an intricate cog in the machine that is Carla.

Alright, so maybe the Thanksgiving spirit has made me all giddy.

But honestly, I love you. And I hope your holiday is enjoyable and you

are able to withstand all of your family for a few hours. :)

WOOOOOHOOOOOOO!

Is anybody out there?

Alright, I've tried not to vent in a blog about my own personal feelings lately, but now I'm gonna.

I FREAKING HATE WHEN PEOPLE DONT LISTEN TO ME. I mean, you have NO IDEA how many examples I can give you when I'm just sitting there in the middle of a sentence and people just start talking to other people. Matt's seen it happen. It's rididculous. It's like my words just go silent. I'm not even speaking about things that are trivial. It's like actually something useful. But people just want to not hear it and act like they came up with whatever I said on there on in the next few sentences they say. OR, later on, I'll hear them talking to people about the SAME EXACT SUBJECT and the person will tell them EXACTLY what I said and they're like "Oh, yeah...you're right." I most of all hate it when I'm trying to just say one thing and it doesn't matter what it is, the person is going to disagree.

I know I'm opinionated. I know that I have a problem sometimes when I see someone not "living fully" or whatever just because they won't open their mind on bit just to try something new. But I don't want to be like that anymore. I'd rather be apathetic than argumentative. I am SO sick of arguing my opinions. You don't have to think I'm right. It doesn't matter. We are all different people, you know. I'm the first one to say that just because something is right or wrong for one, doesn't mean it's the same for another person. (Of course I don't mean what it out-right states in the Bible is up for interpretation, I just mean the grey areas.)

So I will live and let live.
I will choose my battles.
I will become a verbal pacifist.
(hopefully)

Easily Influenced

I just finished reading The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger. It was great. I really am glad I'm able to finally enjoy reading. I hated being forced to read in high school. We never had to read anything very unusual or interesting, just things like Romeo and Juliet, The Scarlett Letter and The Old Man and the Sea. I do like Shakespeare and Hawthorne's ok, but nothing I had to read really sparked my interest (at least not enough for me to actually read the book and not use cliffs notes.) I wish I had read The Catcher...when I was about to go into college. It's a great coming of age book. (There's a lot of bad language in it and some immature phrasing because the protagonist is supposed to be 17 when he narrates the book, but that's to be expected and I just try to skip over the profanity.)

But I said all this to say that reading the book really made my mind start churning. In fact I wish I would've written this last night right after I read the book. My mind was racing so much that I don't even remember half of the things I thought about. Reading a great book or listening to talented musicians or studying great art just really influences me. I feel like I need to "do" something afterwards. Something to make myself or make the world better. Give something back. Some of the parts of the book really inspired me, like when Mr. Antolini gives Holden this quote, " 'The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.' " Or when Holden says that he wants to go live on a ranch and marry this girl he was with right then, while they were young, because after college you become an adult and without even knowing it you accept all of these responsibilities and you will never be able to live your life as freely as when you were a child. I was just thinking, yes! That's totally the way I feel, and especially what I needed to hear when I was in high school. I wanted life to be more, but yet stay innocent and simple. (But I digress...apparently my mind's starting to race again...)

I think I'm very easily influenced sometimes. I was even so influenced while I was reading that my inner monologue began to sound a little bit like Holden's. It's kind of scary. What's more scary is that I think everyone is that way. I can't stand it when I start changing myself to sound like one person or another. Whether it's when I'm singing a song and I try to sound like the artist, or I'm writing and I try to fit into another writer's style or form, or when I'm around a certain group of people, I try to form myself to their pleasing. I don't do it so much anymore, and I feel like some of that is just natural because you always grow as a person and develop your interests and you try to fit into your own mold by trying others' on for size. But I just don't want to be blindly lead into being someone else's "picture" of me. I don't want to fit into someone else's box. And in feeling that way about myself, I get really displeased when I see the nation trying to do that. Most people just do whatever the popular census is telling them to do. We're slowly turning into a type of government that we started wars to break away from. We're being bombarded by messages of political correctness and we are subconsciously being PUSHED into "the people that we should be." It's apparently a horrible idea to look back to our past and gain some wisdom and morals from our forefathers. We barely even stand for anything on which this nation was founded. I'm not saying that progress is not necessary and that this nation hasn't made some good changes since the founding of this country. But I am saying that we have no backbone. We have no real standards to fall back on or to base our decisions. We don't respect our leadership and we are being led by any Joe Blow that has some good-smelling hot air to spread. It's depressing. In a sense, we have fallen off the cliff of rye.

I still want to be a catcher.