Blast from the Past

It's just sad when you see your past come back up in your face. I've had several of these instances lately. But the one that's the most upsetting is when I see one of my friends feel and act just like I used to. It's just sad. It makes me so frustrated when I see these things going on and I'm like...AHHH, just stop it, save yourself some heartache!
I used to be really insecure about myself and my life. I was really hung up on this guy and I was pretty depressed about our relationship and what was going to happen. I was frustrated because I didnt know how to make things turn out the way I wanted it. I wanted to go to college and be succesful and be a good worker and be involved in church activities and spend more time with my family and friends, but it seemed like I couldn't do anything until this one relationship was right. It was all I could do sometimes to go to work or school, and a lot of times I didnt. I would lie to my friends and not answer their calls and avoid conversations and limit myself and my experiences. I know this sounds pretty dramatic, but what can I say, I'm passionate, and I really wanted to have "that someone" in my life. (Starting a family and getting married has always been the most important goal in my life.)
Anyway, back to my friend. I feel like I've switched positions with one of my other friends that was in my life at that time. She was older and she understood me and she knew what was going on. I totally thought I was pulling the rug over her eyes (and everyone elses,) but no. Now I feel the same way as that friend. I know what's going on. I see the big picture. I know when she's lying to me. I know the reasons she says what she says when she says it. I can feel her longing for comfort and acceptance. Been there, done that. It's a hard, awkward, painful time in life that makes you the person you will be when you're 30. It's horrible and in the long run, you will see all of the mistakes of your past and vow to never limit yourself like that again...hopefully. :)

The question now is, do I approach her, or do I just sit back and love her and let her find her own way? Catch-22.

Fear for the Future

I don’t know what my life will hold. I am nothing. I look back to the past, especially the hippie era, and I am shocked and awed. I am shocked at how crazy and brave people were then. There was madness in this country. It is unbelievable how insane things were. They attacked people, they discriminated, they warred against each other. All of the characteristics I believe are true about this country weren’t then. Bigotry, desire for equality, judgment, empathy, hypocrisy, revolutionary ideals, rebellion, proactive movements, lunacy and hope were all present. It was such a fight between what had been and what everyone thought should be. I’ve never seen a nation so united and divided all at the same time. Except maybe now.

It makes me so sorrowful to see the injustice and the brutality that have been. I weep at all of the deaths of the revolutionary leaders and the mild-mannered protesters that were just standing up for what they believed in. I thought that was what America was made for, fighting for what's just and free speech and all that. Maybe I am just misunderstanding people’s intentions. I wasn’t alive then. Even if I was, I still might not have grasped the vastness of people intentions for their actions.

No matter the reasons, it is still death and assignation and murder. And what does it matter that it makes me fill with tears and desire to stand up for what is right? I still sit here and only write about it to make myself feel better. How do we justify our lives as Christians just living and doing our own thing, starting our own families and trying not to step on anyone's toes? I realize that some of us WILL live normal lives. And in Ecclesiastes 2:24, it speaks of how living our lives and working are our joy as humans. Maybe that’s the answer. We’re "just" humans. We’re too simple-minded. That probably answers, partly, the questions as to how people can be so profoundly out of control. But I like to think there can be more to us. After all we are God's creation. God can be in us (if we accept Him) and direct us down a journey that can radically change lives, more than any protest or demonstration. He is the one who brought us through the times of turmoil (mostly known as the 60s.) I really think that the 60s looked like the end of the world. I am in awe that God had so much mercy on us that He let us live long enough for me to be born, and live in a good home, and be surrounded by people who love me, and get married to the love of my life, and to sit here and write this.

If the 60s weren’t the end of the world, I fear what I will see in the future.

So it looks like we're in the clear...

Loan is ready for us to purchase the house. (We're just waiting on an inspection to come out this afternoon.) SCARY. It is so weird. I'm about to be a home-owner. Whoa. I mean, how old am I...like 14. That's what I feel like. I feel like I'm just getting my feet wet in adult life. I guess I am. I love being married. And I know I'll enjoy our house. But I just hope I am ready for all God has in store here. He's probably just looking at me and smirking right now...

ahhhhhh. (small scream)

Growing up

Let me just say, I've prepared my whole life for getting married, it seems. But nothing has prepared me for buying a house. This could be one of the most overwhelming processes in the world. I have seriously been sheltered for how much actual living on your own costs. I dont know why I let it stress me out. It's just so intimidating. I mean, mortgage payments, porperty taxes, home insurance, loan insurance, car insurance (which has nothing to do with buying a house, but we're dealing with that too) all of these things I've never factored into the cost of living before seem to be almost ALL of our budget now. WOW. I just dont see how everyone else has done it and made it look so easy. I'm just whining I guess. I'm not the only one with money concerns and I'm not the first to step out on her own. At least I have Matt. He's so supportive and he's really being postitive about the whole deal. He's "speaking life" as I like to call it. I don't think I would be able to do all this by myself. Please just pray for us, especially pray that I will start being positive about things and trust in God. He's the One who has blessed us this far and has gotten us to this point in the process anyway.
I just need to give Him my insecurities and just shut up and watch Him take care of us. :)

The Deserted Island List

Ok, here's my list of 30 cds I'd have with me on an island...that is IF I had to have it in cd form and IF I could only limit it to 30 cd cases. I'm sure this is really interesting for you...

Artist, Title
1. Almost Famous -Soundtrack
2. American Football -Self Titled
3. The Beatles -Abbey Road
4. Eric Clapton -The Cream of Clapton
5. Coldplay -Parachutes
6. John Coltrane -A Love Supreme
7. Dashboard Confessional -Dusk and Summer
8. Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds -Live at Radio City Music Hall
9. Dave Matthews Band -Central Park Concert (3d)
10. Miles Davis -The Miles Davis Collection (3d)
11. Bob Dylan -The Essential Bob Dylan
12. Death Cab for Cutie -Transalanticism
13. Garden State -Soundtrack
14. Jack Johnson -In Between Dreams
15. Jars of Clay -Much Afraid
16. Jimmy Eat World -Self Titled
17. John Mayer Trio -Try
18. Keane -Hopes and Fears
19. Carole King -Tapestry
20. Led Zeppelin -The Early Days and The Latter Days (2d)
21. Bob Marley & the Wailers -Legend
22. Moses Mayfield -The Inside
23. Mute Math -Self Titled
24. Oasis- What’s the Story Morning Glory?
25. Damien Rice -O
26. U2 -Rattle and Hum
27. Stevie Ray Vaughn -The Essential (2d)
28. Derek Webb -The Ringing Bell
29. Stevie Wonder -The Definitive Collection
30. Wild Sweet Orange and The Great Book of John -A Collection of Live Performances

(of course, WSO and TGBOJ do not have albums out, but I would like to have that one...)

Put your own list on my comments or on your blog. You're welcome for this one! ;)

Blogs from MySpace (Con.5)

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Togetherness (this is a short one guys) Current mood: hopeful Category: Friends sometimes you just need to feel positivity from your friends. you need togetherness. you need support. no negativity. no bitterness. no hidden agenda. no pressure. no social politics. just enjoying the fellowship of one another.

Comments:

Exactly! Posted by [Raconteur] on Sunday, May 06, 2007 at 3:01 PM

i agree. i liked being in the same room with you for an hour. Posted by Messy-ka on Sunday, May 06, 2007 at 10:13 PM

Word. Posted by <-ADAM-> on Tuesday, May 08, 2007 at 7:05 AM

i love you carla. i shall throw my negativity in the trash. sorry i vent so much to you. you are amazing and i am so glad that you are in my life! Posted by Sarah [gulf] Shores on Sunday, May 20, 2007 at 7:12 PM

So true. Posted by Rockmoon on Tuesday, May 29, 2007 at 10:49 PM

Blogs from MySpace (Con.4)

February 14, 2007
Issues

Current mood: discontent
Category: News and Politics

Some issues have been bothering me lately. I really need to read up more on my current events. Sometimes I do, and I watch the news everyday, but when I get the urge to do a little research, a lot of the articles I try to read are so biased that I don't think what I'm reading is truth. So much is just propaganda. (Where is journalistic integrity and impartiality anymore?)

Anyway, my mind has been on the war a lot lately. I hear about and see so much violence and terror on the other side of the world that it makes me realize how much I take this country for granted. Most of us have no idea what it's like to live in constant fear for our lives. I mean, just imagine how disturbing it must be to try to go to sleep at night, but to constantly wake up to sounds of warfare and casualty, or to wonder if the next corner you're walking around will be your last. (To get a little bit of a glimpse of that, watch Children of Men. It's incredibly disconcerting.)

Many people and a lot of my friends are against the war. I am against war as a concept. I mean, who really wants others to die for your freedom? But don't you realize how much evil there is in the world. What are we supposed to do about it? Just let it eat away at innocent or ignorant lives while we just sit back and hope it doesn't get to us and compromise our way of life? Wake up. It's here. Evil is right beside you. Maybe it's even in you. We as a human race should be willing to sacrifice some comfort and riches to take a stand against it and fight it for all we're worth. That's a hard thing to come to grips with, because most of the time I just want to ignore it and try to feel like there's only happiness around me. But if we sit by, it will creep into our lives before we know it and steal what is good. And yes, the war in Iraq is more than just a war against good and evil. After all, it is not a perfect world, and America is not a nation completely God-led. But if you just look back at the history of Iraq and its people, there was so much carnage and organized chaos in their government; wouldn't you want to take a stand for their people and actually fight for a better way of life for them? Don't you want to share some of our freedom to people less fortunate?
I'm not saying that I am completely in favor of the war and that I didn't want it to be over…like a year ago, but life is not perfect and we can't always get what we want. Previous generations understood better than our own generation and the generation before us, that you had to FIGHT for freedom and for what you desired in your life. You had to strive and struggle sometimes to give your family a life of prosperity and autonomy. Maybe we've become spoiled from all the hard work our past leaders and relatives have done for us to give us what we have. Have we forgotten what it took to get us to this position as a nation? Have we forgotten the values of generosity and consideration for those less fortunate because most of our peers have plenty just like us? Like for example, the president has had to cut funding for things and raise taxes for things so that we will be able to get our troops back sooner and hopefully create more permanent stability in Iraq. Some people are very upset about this. Most of what funding has been cut for is just creature comforts and things that we could forgo for the time being or even things that will still be around, just not financed by the government. It is nothing like having to ration everything and use stamps for the things we need. Quit whining. Step up and pitch in, you know?

All I'm saying is, let's take a step back and look at the big picture. Even if you don't agree with every little detail of the war (or whatever it is that's up for debate), is it ultimately accomplishing more good as a whole? Isn't that the more important question?

Comments:

i'm gonna be honest .. i stopped reading when i realized how long this blog was .. i got through the first 6 sentences i think .. but i'm sure i agree with a lot of what you said .. and even if i didn't i'd tell you i did .. that way we can stay friends .. hope all is well .. later .. oh, and hey matt .. and jonus the cat ...

p.s. i know the cat's name is really jonah .. it was just a joke

p.s.s. it's even funnier that i admitted that i knew the cats real name, and yet still called him jonus .. wait, what is the cats name? i think i've confused myself .. anyways, happy valentines thursday ..

p.s. technically it's after midnight so we'll call it valentines friday .. i'm done now

Posted by David Galbraith on Thursday, February 15, 2007 at 10:16 PM