My Desire

So yesterday at church, I experienced something I never have before. It was an incredible display of obedience from one of our pastors. I can't believe how humble he was and how much I could see God really working and churning in his heart. It was so honest. God was displaying His love and He really had his hand on the whole situation. I felt humbled by it. I felt loved too.

I really want to grow in Him. I'm tired of contemplating, and wondering ifs, and talking about it. I want to experience God. I want to know His words and I want others to benefit from His love. I need to stop and be still I think. I'm so caught up in staying busy that when I do get time to rest, I just do nothing. I've wasted like a week on that. (Presently. I'm sure I've wasted a lot more over my lifetime.) I want to experience life and love and my husband. I want to prepare a life for my future children that will be true and ethical and full of the richness of God's love. I want me and my husband to have a foundation of love and honesty, so that when we are faced with the difficult times, we can still go back to that foundation and have faith that it will not fall or fail. I don't want to give in to the pressures that this politically correct world is pushing on me. I want to stand up for what is right, even if it is not what everyone is telling me to say. I want to be an example of strength and meekness and the same time. I want to be angry and not sin. I want to be zealous and not selfish. I want give love and not expect any in return.

This is a lot of words and thoughts and hopes. I'm writing it down to keep myself accountable. I want to do SOMETHING. But first I will be still.

Lamentations 3:22-28 - Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion, therefore I will wait for Him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord. It is good for a man to bear the yolk while he is young. Let him sit in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him.

Lamentations 3:40- Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.

Middle Name Acronym

For Jessica, here's mine.

M- Maternal. I'm pretty motherly and nurturing and I can't wait to have kids! (Actually, I can wait, I CAN WAIT.)

A- Ardent/Animated. This was in the same thesaurus definition. I'm kind of a combination of both.

R- Realistic. I used to be an Idealist. Then I moved out and got married. And I'm also very practical. I like to do things the simplest most unwasteful (yes that's a word) way as much I can. I dont like to waste.

I- Impassioned. Some would say stubborn or impetuous. I would say keen.

E- Enamored. I'm in love. With God. And with Matt. And with my future children :) It's amazing.

Alright. Well, there you go. Me to the letter. Yaay! I wish Matt would do this... :) ha.

Ya gotta have faith, faith, faith

From the mouth of George Michael comes much needed encouragement. An unlikely source, but his words are true. You do have to have faith. Everyone believes in something. I need faith right now...I'm probably restating things I've already wrote about, but I guess it's just one of my weak areas. I have to trust God to provide. I'm silly to think that I've made it this far on my own. And as my husband reminded me, God wouldn't put me in something I can't handle. I know all this...as a general rule, I suppose. But man, I just have so many, like, substitution clauses in there. For instance, if I chose to put myself in a situation and didnt follow God's will, is He still going to let that situation continue, or is it all going to blow up in my face? I mean...gosh. I need some verses on faith or something. I really need His guidance right now. I definitley have a mustard seed in this category.

On the other hand, I'm also praying about stepping out in faith in another area. It's kind of a situation that I can "control" so to speak. But ultimately He's in control of everything. I dont know whethere or not I should continue to "do what I have to do" or if I should just trust that He's not going to let anything happen that is not in His time. I'm sure this is confusing everyone. Any input you have will be welcome.

By the way, I love you Matt. Thank you for listening to me and comforting me.